August 21, 2010 at 10:56 pm
What doesn’t kill you.…makes you stronger, right? I really do think that this experience will make me stronger in many ways.. it’s just that the road to getting stronger is long and hard, and very un-fun at times. I bought a calling card this week, and decided to call my family this afternoon. I was trying to wait for a time where I thought I might NOT break down… yeah, didn’t happen. I pretty much cried the whole time I talked to them. My theory is that I cried that much because I didn’t cry a whole lot at the airport when I left. But I have to say, in the end it was wonderful to talk to them and I felt better after a good cry. Calling from here to home is so nerve-wracking tho. I wanted to talk to them soooo bad and it took me like 10 times to actually get a hold of them and by that time I had eaten up like 5 of my precious minutes on my phone card! It’s a good thing they had a reasonable excuse for not answering when I called the first 9 times! ;)
I took a prayer walk by myself this afternoon and just chatted with God about why I’m here and what I can do to help. I was feeling very discouraged today because I feel like I have nothing to give here. At home I know I can be helpful, and I can be outgoing and feel like I have a purpose and such. But here, I just get shy and scared when I need to talk to people… its like I feel like another person almost. I don’t feel like my normal bubbly self, because anything I want to say I haven’t figured out how to say in Spanish! It gets extremely frustrating at times. I know I always said I was excited to come here and learn Spanish, I just wish it was an instantaneous process! Haha. I keep reminding myself that it is all a process and it will all take time- adjusting to this new place, learning the language, learning to deal without communication daily.. just all the small comforts that I was so accustomed to at home.
All I can tell you as of now is that this whole experience is really something that you have to do to know what I’m really talking about. In our SM class we heard so many stories from others about their experiences and at that point I had so much confidence I thought I could take on the world! Yeah… not so! And in a way I think it is good, because the more you think you know, or the more you think you can handle the less you rely on God. So far, this has taught me that I NEED God soooo incredibly much each and every second of each and every day. And not just here in Peru, I need to realize that all the time! I really am useless without Him, but with Him I can do anything.
Well, I have to cut this one a bit short because we are getting up extremely early to go with the doc to pick up another student missionary at the airport in the morning. We wanted to do something kind for a fellow comrade because we wish that someone would have done that for us. so hopefully we will make her day, and make her feel welcome here.
As always, prayers are soo appreciated. If I could request anything specific at this point it would be an extra dose of strength and confidence as I continue on this journey. Thank you so much