September 6, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Well… I guess I don’t know what I want to write about tonight. It’s been a few days since I wrote last because I felt like I didn’t really have much to say.. Things are kinda becoming routine I guess…
Sabbath was long. We had church, then an afternoon program, then something later in the evening. The evening event was playing games with the kids- which was fun, but tiring. Sunday was grocery shopping day. That about sums up the weekend.
Before I left, I didn’t really know what to expect. But for some reason I think I expected this experience to be a lot easier than it is proving to be. Being a missionary is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The language, the living conditions, the feelings everything brings… it’s just all hard, and it really wears me out. Sometimes I can feel myself becoming irritable or snappy.. I don’t like it. That’s not me and I don’t know what has gotten into me. I’ve tried to pray and ask for strength and patience, and just that God will guide me through each day… Maybe sometimes I’m not as sincere as I could be. I just feel that everyone else has it together and I don’t. I want to be a champ with my Spanish, or I want to be great with the kids, or I just want to be able to have a conversation with someone without stumbling over my words. I know in time it will come or whatever, but I hate time… Oh, this sounds like I have such a bad attitude… I really try not to! I have a lot to work on… I just have so many questions… like why am I here? Am I really cut out for this? What can I do to improve? Why do I feel so irritable? Why can’t I just be myself and be happy?
I’d just like a big hug from my parents and my sis and Mitchell… I think I really need to rededicate this whole thing to God and really spend that time in prayer just talking with Him. I know He’s got it all under control, but sometimes I just feel so lost and out of control I don’t know what to do… I feel like I could be better in so many ways or I wish I did things better… I’ve always been hard on myself and struggled with negative thoughts, but lately it’s been better.. Well- until I got here.
Please keep me in your prayers… it’s been a rough few days… I hope things will look better in the morning.