February 10, 2011
Sometimes I really don't understand God's plan. I don't know how much more i can handle.
Last night I got a call from my mom. She told me GG (my great grandma) is not doing well at all, and she wasn't sure if she'd make it thru the night. I knew that she had been a bit weak lately and my parents told me that she fell on Monday but i just didn't expect her to go down hill that fast. She's always been so strong. I just always saw her as one of those people that you think is invincible. She's 96 and amazing. And she has always been so supportive to my mom and it kills me to think that my mom is really left with no one now... No parents or grandparents... I just feel so lost and helpless here. i can't be there with my family, I can't say good bye, I can't even grieve here... When i came back into the house last night after I had talked to my mom everyone was there and they immediately saw that something was wrong. They all just sat with me while i cried. Everyone was quiet, but I felt amazing support from them in that moment.
I just feel so weak. I want to go home so bad and I've been trying to have a good attitude about staying here and then this happens... This is the third family member who has died since I've been here. My friend Driska (who was more like a grandma to me) died just a couple weeks after I got here, my uncle died just a couple months ago, and now GG. I just don't get it. I don't even know how to explain how i feel.... I feel like I don't know how to grieve because i've never had the time to do it. Life just goes on and you have to go on with it. It's not like things will pause for you while you mourn the loss of a loved one. I hate it. I hate having to act like I'm ok. And I don't even know how to act. I feel so lost- I'm not ok but i feel like I'm supposed to be. I just don't know.....
On a completely different note, I did assist in a cool surgery today. There was a man with a tumor on the inside of his thigh and we removed it. It was pretty high up, so we were working in a "personal" area if you know what I mean.. I'm grateful for my work this summer- it got me accustomed to many things. So anyway- we made the first cut on the tumor and Cecilia squeezed it and a bunch of NASTY pussy, fatty white gunk came out. I mean, there was a lot!! And let me tell you- it smelled horendous!! I'm going to be blunt- it smelled like rotten period smell. Sorry, but it's true and it was awful. Cecilia and I both has masks on too. Ugh. GROSS. After the inital cutting and squeezing part Steph and Jonathan came in and watched and helped us.Cecilia cut the capsule out and then we sewed him back up. There are soo many things that I have done here that I never thought I would experience. I guess that's the beauty of being an SM. :)